Wednesday 21 April 2010

The lift

"What was that?  Oh my god, what was that?"
"I would guess, to judge from the loud clanking and the bumpy ride, it was the lift breaking down in some way."
"Oh god!  Oh god! No!  God!"
"Are you OK?"
"What's going to happen?  How will they get us out?  Do you think we'll fall?  We'll fall won't we?  Oh my god."
"No.  The lift won't fall.  They're very much designed with not falling in mind."
"I can feel the walls closing in.  I suffer from claustrophobia you know, I could have a panic attack at any moment.  Oh god. Someone's got to get us out.   How can you be so calm?  We might run out of air."
"We're not going to run out of air.   Look, there are ventilation holes."
"I knew I shouldn't have come out.  My horoscope warned me.  Why do these things always happen to me?  I was late to coffee morning when Darren misplaced my car keys, those buffoons at Pret ran out of Diet Coke at lunch and now this.  Why me?"
"I couldn't possibly say."
"Life's so unfair at times.  I'll overrun on my parking ticket now.  And I'll be late for pick-up at the nursery.  They'll charge me for late collection again.  Honestly, it's outrageous; every time a lunch of mine overruns and I turn up late for darling Portia they charge me 20 for "inconvenience".  The nerve, it's as if they don't realise whose cheques keep them from the dole. "
"I think I'll sue.  Whose lift is this?  I'll be out of pocket, and I'll need a good bottle of wine to calm down after this. Who's going to pay for that?"
"I don't think so.  I'm hardly to blame for this lift breaking down.  I imagine it's some workshy council employee derelict in their duty. An immigrant I suspect."
"Madam.  Lifts, complex bits of engineering that they are, occasionally break down.  You are aware of this I'm sure, yet you chose to take the lift instead of climbing just one flight of stairs.  The responsibility
for being in a broken lift lies almost entirely with you."
"Pardon? " 
"Stop seeking to blame others when it's your own..."
"HELLO.  HELLO. HELP.  WE'RE DOWN HERE.  Did you hear that.  I can hear voices.  Someone's coming for us.  HELP. HELP.  WE'RE STUCK IN THE LIFT.  HELP."
"They can probably guess where we are without your..."