Thursday 23 May 2002

Moving in and moving on

It's been three months now since the last major corkscrewing change in my relationship with her and it's been a good three months. I've taken back control of my life by (amongst many other things) buying a big telly because I wanted to, going to the gym a lot, laughing on Sunday mornings with people who understand the value of lazy days, and rediscovering the loveliness of many of my friends.

I've maintained some degree of contact with her, so I've been talking to her about once a week and I've seen her a couple of times. I thought I was over her (or getting that way).

So I'm annoyed that I'm upset that he's moving in with her. I've known for a while he was returning from overseas this year, and of course I've known that they were only going to get closer. So why does this hurt?

I think it's the finality of it all. I can't phone her anymore (I don't want to speak to him at all, so I can't call in case he answers), I can't go round to see her (for the same reason), we shall continue to drift apart.

And while that's clearly a good thing in terms of me getting on with my life I can't stand the thought of losing a friend through something other than laziness or distance.

The other thing that grates is I'm just a bad loser and here's a situation where I've come last. He's obviously beaten me, he's better than me in her eyes - the criteria I considered to be important. In addition, she wins because after all this fannying about she still gets to go home to someone, where I get to go home to an anonymous hotel room. Of course, it's probably not all sweetness and light on their side, but I've only got my imagination to rely on.

I guess "it's a break-up, get over it" covers an appropriate response for me to chew on.

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