Thursday 17 October 2002


The change was so sudden it ought to have been accompanied by a cheer or loud pop of champagne corks, a tiny but firm click as everything dropped into place would have sufficed, but the transformation happened silently.

On Friday night Baz went round to dinner at her place, an 'introduce the boyfriend to the friends' session as far as I could work out. He told me ten minutes before he left, and the small tornado of emotions it kicked up on top of the fatigue of a week at work left me dazed and reeling for an hour. I lay on the sofa looking at but not watching the television and thinking about but not coping with the whole situation.

And then it changed. All of I sudden I was over her. What was bizarre was quite how instantaneous the change was - one second my mind was whirling with

"bastard, I hope he ruins her evening,"

the next it was serenely floating through

"oh, I wonder how she is".

The emotional wound I have been probing for the last four months has healed and my still quite regular mental prods elicit a small tickly sensation rather than great swathes of pain. All the bile and rage has drained cleanly out and left me light, hungry and happy.

I can't be totally certain that I have reached the end of this emotional curve, at least not until I next see her, but I'm relieved to see there is happiness beyond the anger.

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